I've been a little worried about some stuff around our house, and without going into details, it has me feeling down. I'm beginning to worry about what I should have done differently.
Maybe I should have been one of those 'churchy' moms - and not me. Not a mom who listens to Kiss occasionally, who turns up the car stereo as loud as it will go when a rocking song comes on. Not one who makes fun of the Disney channel. Not one who let her kids watch rated PG-13 movies, even if they did want to see Pirates of the Caribbean and Lord of the Rings. Not one who sleeps in every morning and lets her kids get off to school on their own. Not one who can take an hour to soak in the tub and wanders around the house, neglected chores and children, for the sake of a good, or even mediocre, book. Certainly not a mom who has no idea at all of how to keep a house clean.
Maybe I should have been the mom who knows all about that 'churchy' music, the one who listens to Kirby Heywood and well, whoever else there is. I don't even have a clue! One who watched all that Hannah Montana stuff and The RM. Maybe I should have been the one getting up at 5 am for a run and then coming back for scripture study before making breakfast for my kids every day. One who cleans the bathtub regularly, and mops the floor and all like that. Maybe I should have made them attend every single church function, whether they wanted to or not. And have family council, although I'm still not sure what for. And had them memorize scriptures and bear their testimonies in family home evening and do service projects.
I know it's too late for some of this. I can hardly start now! I still don't know how to keep a house clean, and my kids would all laugh at me and think I was kidding if I took them to see Hannah Montana. They would howl in protest if I started playing 'churchy' music. There's no way I can get them to go to all their church meetings. Having them there on Sunday is hard enough as it is. And if I quit reading all the time, they would suspect I had been brainwashed.
I'm not really asking for support from my friends. I have great friends, and I'm sure you'll be very sweet. I mentioned something about this to my kids, and naturally they weren't going to tell me that I should have been stricter all along.
I'm just wondering if I have wasted all my time. Did anything that I did do matter? Did I matter? Did I get anything right at all?
Motherhood is a little like launching a rocket, I think. You plan and prepare, and then you send it into space. And once it's gone, it's too late. You can't go back and add more fuel or fix a defect you should have spotted earlier. And I'm getting to the point when my kids are truly launched. I have no idea where they will end up. I know where I wanted them to go, but I am not feeling very confident that I did everything I could to get them there.
6 comments:
First off, I don't think you could be someone other than who you are.
My mom was very much like you...not so great in the cleaning department and I was neglected for hundreds of books.
But I turned out okay (and I like to read) and I think a lot of it is just the person I am. I had some good influence from my mom, and I still made bad decisions at some point, but I don't think it was HER fault. There is something to the whole free agency thing.
I think you have been genuine and honest with your kids. You live and love the gospel and you don't have to be "churchy" to do those things.
I like the rocket analogy. However, I think if you do it right, you can still bring a tool kit with you to try to make some minor repairs.
First off, I'm going to repeat Maleen and say I don't think you could be someone other than you are. (You sound like an awesome mum to me, actually.)
I don't think I've ever heard a parent describe having their children grow up as radically different from your post (although that rocket analogy is truly wonderful), actually.
Whatever has you worried, I doubt it's all your doing, if any of it is yours to begin with. Actually, I had a conversation with my mum yesterday. She didn't have anything to use as bookmark, so I suggested she fold the page. She got very indignant and said she'd not raised me like that. She really hasn't, but I still don't mind small dog's ears much. It's nothing she's done or hasn't done. It's just me that's changed in attitude. (It's a small example, but hopefully it carries the point strongly enough.)
We're all us. We can be steered and taught, especially when younger, but in the end there's only so much we can do for another. Because we're who we are and they're who they are, no matter how badly we may wish to be or do more.
*hugs* I hope whatever is worrying you is something that can be resolved easily, me dear! And apologies if I'm overstepping lines. *sends good thoughts*
*also pokes commenting system* Again apologies. I hope it doesn't post double.
I worry so much about not doing things right and feel guilt over not teaching my kids enough and neglecting them for other things by my choice. When I say this to others, some people say, "You can only do your best." If I was doing my best, I wouldn't have any reason to feel guilty! My guilt is because I am not doing my best, and I know it.
I know that you are a woman who loves the gospel and would be willing to bear testimony of that at any time to your children. That's the most important thing they can ever hear from you. There are some kids, like my husband, who grew up in an inactive family who didn't go to church and didn't teach very many gospel principles. He would grab his scriptures and go to church by himself. Then you have some parents who are completely awesome in the church and have kids who go astray. There are no guarantees either way. The most important things are that they know you love them and that they know you love the gospel. Now, I need to remember that for myself. ;) Hugs to you...wish I could give you one in person.
Mom. I wouldn't like you that much if that was who you were. I like how you are, even if the house is messy. I don't mind it messy. At least it looks lived in. I don't want to be all churchy. I love the church, but I don't want to be stereotypical. I love who you are, and I don't care if you're not the same as other moms.
Hey!
I don't know if you remember me. We lived by you guys in Orem for a while, my daughter Koralee was in class with your daughter Sarah at one point.
Anyway, I tend to blog stalk and yours was linked on the Ryan's family blog - so here I am.
Just a brief comment about your post.
The people who SAY they go jogging every morning and then come home to do scripture study and full home-cooked breakfast are LYING. :) I am 100% sure of it.
My kids listen to Twisted Sister with me now and then and you know, I still think they are turning out just fine. We have our ups and downs, but doesn't everybody!?
With enough love and the right combination of the spiritual - everything will be okay.
Just my two cents.
You are welcome to blog stalk us too at any time
Have a good day!
Amy Walker
Thanks for all the comments. I feel very blessed to have such great friends and family. Some days are just hard, and I know I can do better than I have been doing, at least in little things. But I hope that I have got the essentials down, because those are going to be very hard to change.
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